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I Only Focus on the Bad in a Relationship

I Only Focus on the Bad in a Relationship

The Relationship Question

This isn’t so much about my relationship, but rather the lack thereof. I’ve come to consider myself a renegade of sorts, convincing myself that I’m content with loneliness. Why do I always run when too much emotion is involved? Every person comes with their faults and I’ve found that my tactic in any relationship is to focus only on the bad, convincing myself they’re not right for me, tricking myself into thinking it’s them when it’s really me. How do I know that I’m ready to let down my wall?

The Relationship Advice

Thank you for sharing your situation. Building up a wall often occurs because we were taught at some point that that’s what we had to do to be safe. The irony is that putting up a wall doesn’t really protect us, it just keeps us from building satisfying relationships. By trying to protect ourselves we end up isolating ourselves and it has the opposite effect of what we really want. It takes some work to let down a wall and allow other people in but anyone who wants to can do it. You’ll know you’re ready when you start doing it.

The good news is that it’s not good or bad, right or wrong, it’s just a behavior you learned at some point. Behaviors can be changed with conscious effort. You might find it helpful to just work little by little on bringing down the wall. You don’t have to do it all at once, it’s actually better if you do it slowly.

At first it will feel weird, possibly uncomfortable. That’s normal because it takes time to practice new behaviors. Stick to taking small steps and keep practicing. Each time you notice that you get a positive result, celebrate what a great job you’re doing. Over time you’ll get more comfortable. Expect that you will experience failure or people who won’t want to get to know you. None of that changes the fact that you are a great person. You’ll also experience successes.

If you need help it’s a good idea to talk with a counselor who can help you learn new skills. This is your life we’re talking about and you’re an important person. Remember that you’re an amazing, valuable person who deserves to build relationships with great people.

Feeling Insecure in My Relationship

Feeling Insecure in My Relationship

The Relationship Question

What is insecurity and what can I do to feel less insecure in my relationship?

The Relationship Advice

Thank you for your question. Insecurity is when you feel that you’re not good enough. It’s often a result of low self-esteem. It can cause people to do all kinds of negative things including thinking people don’t like them or are trying to get them.

One of the best ways to feel more secure is to take some time to build yourself up. You might start by asking yourself some questions like:

  • What is causing this feeling of insecurity?
  • What can I do to feel better about myself?
  • What activities do I love doing and how can I do more of those?
  • How can I make sure I’m the healthiest and most balanced person I can be?
  • How is insecurity helping or not helping my life?
  • How does insecurity affect my ability to have a positive relationship?
  • In what ways can I move in a positive direction so I can feel great about myself?

A lot of insecurity occurs when people don’t feel great about themselves and compare themselves to others. The only way to get past that is to feel really good about yourself, to the point where it doesn’t matter what others say. You can achieve this by doing things that move your life in a positive direction instead of staying stuck in the insecurity. The more positive things you do, the better you’ll feel about yourself.

You don’t have to change who you are, just what you do. The next time you feel insecure just replace that thought with a positive thought or do something that builds you up. It takes a lot of practice, but after you do it many times, you’ll eventually be able to get rid of the feelings of insecurity.

If you need help, it’s OK to talk with a counselor who can help you figure out who you are and what you can do to celebrate it. Remember that you deserve to live a life where you feel secure and confident in who you are.

In Love with a Friend Who Has a Girlfriend

In Love with a Friend Who Has a Girlfriend

The Relationship Question

Hi there. Well to start off, I think I’m in love with my friend. I’ve had a crush on him for five years. We share a lot of interests and we’re always laughing and messing around when we’re with friends. But the thing is, he has a girlfriend. I feel really stupid most of the time because he really cares about his girlfriend and I doubt he gives a damn about me. This may be cliché, but I’d wait for him, though I might just end up broken in the end.

The Relationship Advice

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s hard to like someone who is unavailable. It’s always more beneficial to find a person who is fully available when you’re trying to start a romantic relationship because they can focus their attention on you and there’s no one else in the picture.

You might want to think about what you can do to make sure you treat yourself well and move your life in a positive direction. Think about what kind of decisions you might make today that would help you live a great life. For example: You might consider continuing the friendship but also being open to meeting new people and hanging out with them.

It also helps to live the best life you can and celebrate who you are. Do things you love and keep working on being the healthiest and happiest you possible and you’ll attract people who are genuinely interested in you and are available to date you.

You get to decide what to do and what will help you live a happy life. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who is there for you and is available to have a romantic relationship with you.

We’re Good Friends, I Don’t Want to Ruin It

We’re Good Friends, I Don’t Want to Ruin It

The Relationship Question

I’ve liked the same guy for two years, and nothing has happened. I’m not sure if he likes me, and we’re really good friends so I don’t want to ruin it. Should I just try to get over him at this point?

The Relationship Advice

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s up to you what you decide to do. One of the great things about being friends is that you already have a foundation where you can talk with each other about many things. Perhaps you might take some time to think about what you really want in the relationship and then talk calmly and kindly with him about it. It’s OK to let people know what you need.

You don’t have to make it very serious or in-depth, the idea is just to talk about what’s on your mind. Sometimes it’s helpful to ask questions like, “Have you ever thought about…” or “What do you think of…” if you want to learn more about his perspective.

You get to decide what you want to do and what’s important to you. Take some time to think about what you want to see happen and just have some friendly conversations. You can’t do anything about what he thinks or does but you can let him know what you want. Remember that you deserve to have someone in your life who meets your needs and values your point of view.

I Feel I’m Not Good Enough for Her

I Feel I’m Not Good Enough for Her

The Relationship Question

I don’t feel as if I’m good enough for her, I’m just not good enough, but I love her more than anything, so when she realizes she can do better and she leaves for better, what do I do, I feel so distressed.

The Relationship Advice

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s normal to wonder to what degree someone else likes you in a relationship. The key is to keep a balance between what you think might happen and what is actually happening.

You might find it helpful to take some time to make a list of the things that are going positively and negatively in the relationship. Ask yourself questions like, “What’s really going on in my relationship and what’s going on in my head?”

The idea in any relationship is to enjoy the time you have with the other person. You can do that by focusing on the positive things about you and her. The good news is that you can find balance within yourself. It takes practice but you can build your self-esteem so that you focus on the great things about you. The way to do that is to find out who you are. Do things you love, plan your future, hang out with friends, study, learn, exercise and do things that help you build yourself up.

The more you love yourself the easier it will be to love someone else without worries. Everyone deserves to feel secure and that feeling comes from within you. As you continue to discover who you are an do positive things you’ll find that you’re a wonderful person who deserves to love and be loved.